IN MEMORY of such GOOD MEMORIES

i have memories that i go back to when i need to find a good place to sit

i find myself sitting on a stage in the light of one spot and breathing
a black floor
a silent room filled with the ghosts of laughter, anticipation, tears
 music and song
when i look out among the room i see
seats fill the space
row after row
they sit dimly covered by the light of the lone light
the sun above

i am oddly sad
sitting here
remembering
this was the place of one of my first loves
one of the most authentic loves of my life
something that caught me off guard
i never saw it coming until it had already taken me over






the stage
acting
performing
using written talents of others my self and my heart to affect the souls of many sitting in the red sits
watching
all all too in the same air
inhale
exhale
alive
together
experiencing
moments that were made up
but so real

i love the stage
the theatre
live theatre
the pulse
the heart
 of entertainment

i love the silence sitting
waiting for the show to take over and fill the space with life
the dressing rooms
where you'd find your costume hanging
waiting for a warm body to fill it with life
the makeup
sitting waiting to be used

the water bottles
the music
the quite chatter of everyone focusing on the moments to come
but talking among themselves as friends

real friends
maybe not the same people
all from different places, different backgrounds
but one thing in common
love for acting
performing
theatre


i miss it
i think of it often and the things that surround me
that filled my mind
the questions of humanity of motivation of the human soul

i miss my friends
my ensemble that i trusted choice after choice
line after line
if i fell
someone would run and pick me up
if i was scared
eyes looked at me quieting saying your fine
go for it
it took some time, two years in fact to built a trust such as this
but once it was built it was a strong as steel
i don't think anyone out there
on that stage
the one in this memory of mine would let anyone fall
we were blood

blood mates

it is a time long gone
but once something has infected the blood it stays deep within
even if only in the blood of my memories

such times
such beauty
such innocence

i am grateful today
and i am sad
one of our blood mates
is gone
i am not one to speculate on where
i don't know
but he is not gone from our hearts
our memories
the journey that will forever stay in our hearts as the class of 1999 at North Carolina School of the Arts

Todd Swenson
i was not super close to you but you were part of one of the most exciting truthful times in my life we laughed we shared the same stage, we cried in classrooms and we were silent at times watching others find their skin you were a dear boy, a dear person, a dear soul, quiet and honest, and kind

this is the second time in two weeks i have contemplated life and death among friends
one past two weeks from high school
and now one from college
i am thoughtful and sad and actually so many things i am overwhelmed with energy
energy to move to be moved i am
happy to have all my friends in conversation talking amongst each other as if no time has past even though so much has changed
it's a beautiful thing
to be a part of such a circle
thank you to all
i love you dearly

todd, my friend, i wish you peace
i wish all my friends who are as sad as i am today to just remember those times at NCSA
sit in your memories and enjoy
life is short
and beautiful
life as we all so fully know.............

IS..............................

couch ho!

NINE years and counting

If I went into detail
If I went down deep
I would fill this page with pure sap, like the sap off a Vermont maple tree

our first night in Los Angeles young and full of hollywood dreams

Instead I will say
this blog is for you
and YOU know who you are
you are the man of my dreams

knowing where we wanted to go but having no clue how we were going to get there

happy, just happy

here's to life, love and happiness

to the future and everything in between.

i love you.

happy anniversary.

what a beautiful day.

creeping around the corner --here comes halloween

"cc my playmate, come out and play with me, and bring your dolly's three

climb up my apple tree

slide down my rain barrel 

into my cellar door

and we'll be friends 

forever and ever more

more more

and more"

i've been playing around the past couple of days with my camera

my trusted companion

my souls eye

it IS SO BEAUTIFUL outside hard to find any reason not to feel light/full of spirit/full of breath

 windows open with the breeze blowing to and fro

sun shining down on hay stacks 

round orange pumpkins of all shapes and sizes 

halloween is in the air 

i hear the rustling of ghosts and goblins waking up 

making plans for the "BIG" day

matt is in atlanta right now and

i am hangin' with the kids running back and forth from my studio to logan's book, to tatum's puzzle and jack's wii game

boone continues to bark at the dog next store and the tv is playing in the background

spongebob halloween

i play jazz in my studio to drown out the chaos

it helps 

my little bubble

my studio

my private place

i think of virginia woolf

and understand fully her need for a room of ones own

it's dark now

feels later than it is

night time comes sooner these days

the ducks go to sleep earlier than usual

8pm 

not the usual 10

i can't wait to catch an extra hour of sleep!

6am

is dark cold

thank god for the hot coffee waiting brewed by the timer matt sets each night

thanks superman, i don't think i've ever said thanks, i love waking up to coffee in bed!

-sweet dreams -

open your windows and listen to the whispering winds

a death of a past friend makes me think

watching
knowing it has a secret
and on my special day
he
will grab me by the hand and
walk me
to the
"other side"
where?
when"
i can't help myself
thinking about it all
all the death that happens
every day
every night
every where
in between
right now someone
something
an idea
fear
hope
dream
dying
dying
gone


what is it really?
nothingness?
and if so
how?

i do not want to think about it
can't really get my head around it when i do
get in these moods
thinking
hearing deaths breath ever so slightly
i know he's there
always has been
like a distant friend waiting in the dark at the party
waiting for me ready to go home
so she smokes
and watches until my time is up

i am so intrigued about death i ponder it often
i write poems
start conversations
have debates
life after death?
worm food?
blank?


i can't help but think what it must be like to not wake up
not put your shoes on
not eat breakfast and hear the news of the day

what happens?
i don't remember 1969
i wasn't here, that's why

will i somehow know 2062?


black?
white?
silence?
humming?
static?
what!
I will never know
When she comes he will just come
and take my hand and lead me through deaths abyss--

All I can do is wonder and stand on my chair and say,
"Captain my Captain" and scream
"YELP!"

Shakespeare in LOVE

My latest project --finished-- I just put it up for sale

I love being back in the South

 East during this time of year.  

Fall is truly the best time for me.  

I am creative, energized and centered.

Today the sun shines through the windows and the kids are  trying to find something to do inside and out.  Keeping the door ajar and the kicking leaves they run back and forth from moment to moment. 

 I try to keep my concentration on each sentence, but it's impossible.  I hear them--laughing, screaming and gaming.  I always have one ear turned in their direction.  It's amazing how little gets past me.   

I have eyes behind my head, I tell them as I hand Jack his chocolate milk before he asks for it and give Tatum and Logan the remote before the show is over.  I know Logan just hit Tae and that is why she is crying.  And I know Tatum hit Logan just before.  And before that, they were both laughing together at the show! 

This goes on over and over.  Our three ducks area so active and alive.  They have so much spirit and confidence.  I love it! But on some days I can't believe how much confidence they have (telling me "no" to time out, or say "your dumb" or the newest one is "i don't love you" (mostly Logan) but I know it's age and I know they are trying to work themselves out.

  Kids can make you feel on top of the world.  And turn right around and break your heart.

  Matt and I are certain all their confidence will take them places as long as we  harness it now and guide them to humbleness. 

 Humility is the best medicine.

coming out at prom

getting close 

On another note.

Knitting, sewing, story writing, dancing, painting, card making, photography on and on and on.......on....on.....

Matt travels this week. 

 I hope to get much done. 

Getty Man and I

Finally some rain!

I love this time of year, watching the rain fall with the leaves.  

The colors really stand out!  I took Getty Man out and played.  

they are going to hollywood if i can stand it

drawing is her thing

practicing his name sidewalk chalk style

i use to smoke this time of year, glad i don't 

i love leaves

The kids were in rare form

Riding bikes, and getting ready for halloween

Practice makes perfect!

he's going to drive the girls crazy

need i say anything

gold all over

we humans are so amazing

a demolition site near my mom's 

a bird so pretty

so nana (my grandmother, she would be proud)

that's lipstick that didn't come off for three days

so mom

the duck my mom made for dinner on Tues.  

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Fall for all

I have talked so much about it, Logan is writing it on the sidewalk leading up to our front steps.  He keeps saying, "it's fall!  it's October!"  His handwriting is getting very good very quick!  We practice every night and it is paying off.

Jack was working on his the other night and "wow-ed" us when he wrote and spelled his favorite Wii characters with one mistake and his letters were GREAT!  He is progressing everyday with his fine motor skills.  Jack, being on the autism spectrum, has a dislike for writing and any such thing that demands him to use his hands and a tool.  Other spectrum kids may love it, a lot of S kids can be outstanding artist, NOT Jack!  He doesn't have the least interest in it, naturally.  But working with him in his context, like his games and such, he loved writing them down and smiled when he finished.  He was very pleased.  It's a matter of getting his attention and getting him to want to focus.  When he does--it all comes together!    
  

what a kid, what  journey!

i don't really talk a lot about the "autistic" journey. Our's anyway.  There are as many journeys as their are kids on the spectrum.  matt and i are working everyday, with doctors, ideas, teachers, etc. to put jack in the best possible place as he grows up.  he is doing very well and is working hard everyday.  i guess i don't feel the need too most of the time.  i have explored a lot of my feelings a long time ago, not that they don't change, but i am very happy to have jack here and have found a very happy place with all of it.  jack's journey ,s my journey and matt's, and logan's and tatum's-we take it day by day, moment by moment.....we laugh and we cry, we work and we rest.  and are always looking for ways to help "jack out of his box."


tatum is still a preschool drop out and has been with me everyday since the beginning of sept.  so much for the "mornings' alone.  She is really enjoying playing on the front porch with her dolls so it's quiet all the same.  i love having her around alone, we have had so little time alone since she came along and am very happy she was a drop out.  she hasn't dyed her hair pink, but she is playing in my makeup case....hum...beauty school?

Introducing Frenchie.......

as for matt and i we are still directing and producing this broadway show.......year after year, cat believe  it's already back to Halloween and going on our 9th anniversary!


How time fly's when you're having fun!